Moving my body

I was asked what it really meant to me….to “move my body”.  Seems I say it quite a bit as the answer to all my ills. That “if I could only…”

This past week was particularly difficult. It was my vacation week and I devoted nearly a full day to the office preparing for an audit I was sure would finally show the statistical proof of the dedication and heart put in. But 6 hours into my first day “really” on vacation, I learned of an error that would all but destroy the hope. I cried. I discovered I no longer do well with hugs to soothe. Hugs are an overwhelm. I discovered I verbally and emotionally abuse my self when I find way to prove failure even when no failure is directly mine. I realized that only when I’m fighting to push through something my heart isn’t in but my ego is, that I am relentless. Unforgiving. I’m sure I’m no unicorn in having such a nasty issue to resolve.

How does one put an end to such an ingrained pattern? Life is not a nose twitch away from change. Change is the result of patterns which are the result of individual choices. Choices made over and over again into a worn path of honored moments of self. I’m not sure I have the courage I need to make the change, or to continue in my devotion to this nasty disrespectful habit I have lifted the rug on. No choice is a choice, so I take responsibility for my part played with where I come to stand. But I’m quite sure I have exhausted my ability to fake a life I never purposefully intended. Courage or no courage I think my toes are touching the bottom of rock.

So here is where I circle back to moving my body.

I am on a healing journey…..and with two autoimmune diagnosis managing stress is a big player in that healing process. So although I eat well by eating clean and when I’m hungry. Although I take breaks from the office day more times than I don’t. Although I generally sleep well. Although  I have managed to heal forward well enough to erratically take long walks or spend time in the yoga studio, I experience fallback shortly after with shoulders so tense they don’t allow an arm to lift. And when I begin again it’s as though I had never once begun. Something more is at play. I cannot continue to push myself to believe that the silver linings I speak so fondly of….the silver that seems to hide the tarnish of my life…are true. They are simply shiny distractions…..the beautiful jewelry given to apologize for wrongdoings done. And I have managed to be the “gifter” and recipient of such shiny distractions.

So yes, although I believe that moving my body as it craves on the daily and eating well and resting well are all very important; those are only a fractional part of what true self care is. Moving my body means to re-move my body from places and activities that provide no joy.  It is the most important act of self care. Until I do, my setbacks will continue to be routine. And those setbacks will keep me from all I am working for.

So time to get moving.