As children we are free flowing and open to our creativity and our interests. Cultural expectations and traditions take us away from following our inner guidance. And we forget the knowing we entered this world with connected to how we’d most powerfully and naturally contribute.

We are taught, at best, to navigate inner passions into an open interest by acclimating it to an acceptable path and agreeable expression. And in the lesser, we are not.

Having moved often as a young girl I was the new kid. I have always been sensitive, kind hearted, empathic and intuitive. I was taught to observe and join versus create. And during that period of life, the understanding of how to set boundaries, and hold my own energetic was unknown. In fact, I was so keenly educated on tuning into others and allowing them comfort that I unlearned how to tune into my self. The powerful emotions I felt were certainly a conglomerate of all the emotions I connected to and never let go of. And that was foundational for attracting life experiences that left deep emotional wounds.

These wounds layered, undressed and unhealed for decades which enabled the creation of more than one autoimmune diagnosis. And that drove me to connect with self. It forced me to.

Initially forcing me to reframe my relationship with rest. As I did, the things that came innately to me and gave me comfort, grew in importance to me. My surroundings with their scents and sensations gave me a place to nest and nurture. It was in my own space that I was safe to connect with the surface level roots of dis-ease and feel my way down them. I leaned into energy work and numerology and began to see how often I had the opportunity to lean in before and was too disconnected to. And I’ve learned to connect to my body and its language.

My most powerful gift is my ability to connect threads to weave a full picture. And in healing all things are involved. Emotional impact, physical impact, intellectual impact, spiritual impact…. all must be addressed to heal.

Am I in full physical remission from auto immune? Not yet. In time.

Am I in full remission from my internal energetic disconnect? Yes.

What autoimmune re-tuned me to was me. And because of this connection to self, I’ve created an outlet to support others in connecting to themselves well before illness sets in. And well in time to have a long lived life connected to their innate gifts & interests.

So today I write the advice to avoid overlooking what is within you. Learn how to expand upon it and avoid illness pushing it aside to make space for its evolution…. instead of yours.

When I began this blog nearly 6 years ago I thought I’d be committed to its sharing of my journey through auto immunity and into a healed state. Things rarely continue as they begin.

Sure, I pay attention to what I put on my body and in my body. I’ve become most attentive to the energies I “in-gest”. I’ve arrived a the deep knowing that my body is more energy than body and the more I connect with energies that I find comfort in, the better my body feels.

It’s forced me to look within deeper than ever prior. It’s shifted my perspective on countless matters and countless dreams. It’s guided me to certifications and a broader awareness of how I move through this world.

What began as an idea to pour my healing onto virtual paper was abandoned many times over. Myself reinvented between posting. Autoimmunity is a diagnosis that arrives years upon years after the habit of overlooking one’s inner guidance has anchored in. It shouldn’t surprise me that my dedication waxed and waned. It was my lack of dedication to self that resulted in the health struggles. If I were to have stuck with only the physical healing though, I may have been as mobile as I desire to be, I would be missing the best parts of who I’ve become though.

I have learned to analyze my lab work. I’ve learned to tap into my innate connection to energetic healing and balance. I’ve learned how to take my love of words and prayer and turn them into an intention I can use to uncover blocks I may not have ever tapped into. I’ve returned to numerology in very practical and tangible way, creating the ability to do super in depth chart readings. I’ve created an Etsy store that enables me an outlet of creativity and an avenue of income. I’ve recorded a podcast (yet to air) about numerology… I’ve made moves that I never would have imagined I’d make. Dropped seeds in the earth… And we all know that seeds never remain seeds.

Mindset. Affirmations. Risky business.

Words have been consuming me lately. We use them with wild abandon and sheer disregard for the power they hold. “I am” pro-claims what you say after. “But” cancels out a statement just before it or just after. “Why” ignites the emotional defense and spins you further from resolution. Trying” keeps your goal just out of reach.

When I think about setting intentions and creating affirmations I think about the meaning of each word and not only as I intend them once strung together. Individual meanings matter.

When I coach, when I question, my words need to support and create space for insights to come through. You are the one who can connect with your memories and you are the one who will pull back the curtain and have the moments that, strung together, move you through and past what holds you back. Language. It is a powerful transformational tool that is incredibly underestimated.

You may think it’s easy to watch your words. I challenge you to take a day. And every time you hear yourself say “I am”… and take note of what you say next… are you tired? frustrated? bad with money? awful with tech? always late? Watch what you are claiming.

Every time you say “but…” what did you say just before or just after? What wasn’t true? If you are in the mindset of manifestation, it’s more about the release than what you think. And blessing is going to come in where there isn’t truth? How often have you heard, from yourself or someone else the “soft no”…. “I’d love to go, but I have so much to do”. I bet you didn’t really want to go. Or “Writing is a passion of mine but I’ve just not got the time to devote to it”. Is writing really your passion? Or are you denying the time to devote to it?

Every time you ask why… “Why did you do that”? “Why would you ever…”?… Fuel for the argument fire if you asked those questions. And in those times of self reflection did you ask “Why did I do that”? I bet you spun into an emotional whirlwind and landed nowhere.

Every time you say you’ll try you are not only keeping the goal just out of reach, you are also saying you are not truly committed to it. Nike had it right. So did Yoda.. Do or do not. There is no try.

Our growth begins in language. Language sets the intention for actions. Are you ready for what you want to call in? Accomplish? Heal? Use your language.

The language we use reveals the beliefs of our body..and those beliefs are the foundation of the lives we create.

We are unconscious beings regardless of what we prefer to believe. We often give purposeful thought to choices and give no thought to how we formed the basis for the “this or that” viewpoint we use to choose. We are born into a living belief system of our family and easily adopt those beliefs as our own. As we live through the years we adapt those beliefs to form to our experiences and we abandon some and create others of our own. Some purposefully. Most not.

There are two aspects to language I want to convey in this writing. And I know I can be esoteric so read slow …. open your mind… The first is how direct language proclaims your true belief.

I often hold people to think on a statement and question it. Myself included. When you hear the word “but” in a sentence.. there is generally something being cancelled out. I’ve spoken on this before and it still captivates me. An easy example would be receiving an invite to a party that you don’t wish to attend. Instead of simply defining with a “thank you for thinking of me”, we’re more apt to say “I’ve love to but…. some sort of reason/excuse”. We think this is the way to be kind. Lying before speaking the truth is not kind.

To move forward and closer to the things that matter most to us, we absolutely must align with truth… our truth. Become mindful of your language. Yes, it takes time. You are coaching yourself into a new way of speaking. And in doing so, you’ll be uncovering truths that have lingered in the shadows of your awareness. And quite often there will be some evaluating to do.

The second aspect of language to be aware of is comparison. “Reason” is the word spoken and it’s a live wire. We come to our “reason” for a decision by way of comparison… We like this choice over that choice “because”…. and that “because” is generally connected to a dislike or a “like less” perspective. Obviously we need to use some tools to select our path of choice. Is there a reason to bring in comparison and dislike though? I don’t feel so.

Energetically, we align more powerfully to the potential of our goal when we have a connection to it fully from the positive. It’s important we avoid the accidental hurdle of having to overcome an unconscious negative. An example of this would be developing a business to “get out of” the job you have. To experience days of schedule flexibility or the opportunity to work from anywhere “instead of” the predictable hours and location you have. Instead, what if your FULL focus for the new business was to align with your calling and to enjoy the journey of creation and connection to clients. What if when you accomplished a step it was revered and celebrated as though no alternative had ever been? That’s the way to honor choice and allow the goal to have its own independent identity.

So let me leave you with two-step foundation of language. Practice and play with these and have fun with the moments you’ll find yourself shining light onto the shade.

First, watch your “but”. When you hear it, repeat what you said and dissect the lie within it, then eliminate it. Secondly, develop your purpose of choice fully and only from the intended gain and experience of it.

Autoimmunity requires boundaries. Autoimmunity is an internal fight against the self. The body doesn’t understand the difference between what should be attacked and was shouldn’t be. What belongs and what doesn’t. Internally, there are no boundaries. What is not within, will always show up externally. And what is absent externally will show up internally.

When I was issued my first autoimmune diagnosis I wasn’t even informed it was an autoimmune issue. And although I had a good amount of years relating physical states with emotional I had drifted from those roots and that initial diagnosis went unaddressed. And yes, it became a bigger issue in time. I had no personal boundaries at this time of life. I was in an emotionally abusive union, and in a career I stumbled into working in environments that were disrespectful on many levels. I didn’t rest when I needed to. I didn’t eat well. I didn’t make changes within any area of my life that I needed to. I was young. Young enough that disregarding my health didn’t result in a quick backlash. Time kept ticking though. And even though the internal upset wasn’t obvious on the surface, it was still a developing storm within.

And in time I made changes. Some forced upon me and some of my choosing. I was fired. I left the abusive person. I found a new line of work that supported me far better than I had thought to hope. And you’d think that with such a monumental shift of life direction I’d find myself on a roll… that I’d blink and see a new young woman in the mirror. I didn’t. I reconnected with the abusive person for a short while. I didn’t stand up for myself when I found myself in workplace situations that were hurtful and hostile. I attracted “friends” that weren’t. I didn’t know how to say goodbye to what didn’t serve me. So I disappeared. My initial boundary was absence. I said no. I didn’t show up for most of the invites. I left those gatherings without announcement. This took years to put into action. And it remained in place for years without much else to “define my space”. And it was not a conscious move towards healing…. it was an avoidance of hurt. Those are not the same. The litany of situations I found myself in that were opportunities to draw the lines I needed to draw and didn’t are too many to count. And a second diagnosis was received.

The next autoimmune diagnosis came with great pain. Having not addressed boundaries, they were forced upon me. I had great pride that I could “push through” and pain broke that down. It was not easy. I kicked and screamed and my body kicked and screamed back. In time, years of time, I embraced rest. And there were food boundaries…no gluten, no alcohol, and due to other food sensitivities there is no corn, no rice, no millet, no quinoa. There were work boundaries….no work outside the office. There were boundaries connected to my screen time to support rest. My early rising to support my need to ease into my day. In time, an adjustment of office hours for the betterment of my soul stability. There were boundaries that led me to disconnect to those I care for to support the elimination of distractions that pipelined in through them so I could hear my own voice. And even though my separation from those I hold dear didn’t last long, those times were critically important to gaining stability.

And what else have I learned about boundaries other than they exist within every avenue of life? I’ve learned that they are either in place or they are not. Boundaries cannot have exceptions and remain boundaries. They must stay in place until you chose to open them back up, with purpose. I’ve learned that the magic of boundaries is the space they provide. And for a while, they take attention to hold up; and then they don’t. I compare boundaries to a fence. Anyone who fences in a yard knows that without some good bracing they’ll fall. So with the right amount of posts (time) dug deep enough (consistent), they remain in place even without your attention. You don’t build a fence to have today and pull down tomorrow…only to build it back up again another day. A fence is there for when you need it and when you don’t. Just like any other boundary.

And boundaries make life more enjoyable. They allow for freedom. Yes…freedom. When you cease fighting within and hear out your inner self, when you discover what things are “must have’s” and “must have not’s” you hold those discoveries close to heart. They matter. So you protect them… with boundaries. Boundaries certainly keep out the things that hinder. What they more importantly do, is hold close and protected the things that matter.

So with or without an autoimmune diagnosis, are you aware of an internal fight against yourself? How so? Might a boundary help you heal and thrive? And think on this…. Something I’ve learned to be true is that your commitment to boundaries you’ve set, is a reflection on your commitment to self. It’s a show of how much you matter to you. And your relationship with you is the one that should matter most… nobody is with you more in life than you. 🙂

Eleven months ago I was about to begin vacation and something happened… a moment…In an effort to support someone a domino of events triggered a very deep emotional wound that I had regretfully not healed and simply stuck into an emotional pocket that apparently had developed a hole after all these years…. everything I’d stashed in there “out of sight” fell out.

For the past 11 months I’ve been forced to dig deeper than I’ve ever dug for healing. And I still do not have the ability to straighten my right leg, bear weight on either knee. This means no long walks, no yoga… not even yin yoga. Each have historically been moving meditations for me. So I was pushed to find other methods to still my mind. Actual meditation has become one of them.

During the past 11 months I’ve still had other triggers rise up, like cream in coffee. The purposeful stillness both physically and mentally, allowing me to connect with much needed insights with quicker speed. I’ve been able to label the emotions that rise and honor them for how they originated and how they deserved to be recognized. Oh how we neglect to feel….until often all we can do is feel… pain. Emotional pain. Physical pain. Spiritual pain.

Other than meditation, what have I done?

I bless my food. I take a moment to be present at my own table. And I’ve learned how to make sure I’m eating enough so my body knows it’s safe. A body void of safety won’t heal.

And I’ve educated myself on fasting protocols that my body responds well to.

I have returned to chlorella and spirulina and I’ve added in a variety of minerals, continued with electrolytes and added in Perfect Aminos for all the amino acids I know my body needs to heal knowing I’d not be able to eat enough protein to get the numbers it needs.

I use red light on my phone from 7pm until 7 am and I’m generally off the TV/laptop/phone at 7pm on any night I must be up for the office the following morning. It should help sleep, sometimes it does… it always helps my soul.

I’ve looked into what part I played in every moment that still has a wound to heal. And I’ve made the choice to be honest with my self about it.

I’ve redefined my relationship with the W2 and the reason behind my yearning to create a successful career of my own making. It’s important to note that it’s energetically important that I be dedicating my heart to the personal business because it’s a calling… it’s aligned with my deepest values and although as it becomes manifest, it will separate me from what isn’t in alignment. This redefining has layers. And it’s circled back a few times. Each time gifting me the opportunity to learn more.

I have leaned into my certifications of Ahai Energy Healing to balance my energy and restore my energy. Mind Body Spirit Release to release blocks I have subconsciously to the goals I’m moving towards. When the pain first launched it was so intense I was challenged to connect with my energy work… it took time for me to have the ability for stillness. I didn’t sleep more than 90 minutes at a stretch for months. Once I was able to though, I made great strides.

I’ve listened to great books and learned a lot about holy language and the nervous system. Both huge passions of mine. And I’ve become ever more aware of the words I use and the energetic they hold. I’ve written about it before… avoiding the word “but” and recognizing when I was about to use it so I knew what I was about to say that wasn’t true. “I am” is powerful and I certainly use it with respect for what I am willing to claim and not. This language awareness has laid the foundation for my learning how many ways I was avoiding honesty with my self. And it’s certainly difficult to keep making the same decisions when you know your own truth.

I have begun preparing for a new offering of a foundational numerally reading for clients. I’ll have three offerings soon… Ahai, MBSR and Numerology.

I’ve shifted thing around my living environment… lightening it up… enabling the feeling of space which I needed the energetic of. I eliminated one item that I’ve carried with me for over twenty years that held such a negative energetic weight… never ceases to amaze me what is removed when you remove things.

And there have been days where I’m nearly back to normal movement with a comfort. Not many. Some.

This weekend I reached out to connections sharing what I do… my hearts calling of Ahai and MBSR. This is a big move for me. Will it connect me to clients? Possibly. What it did for me was energetic. More than handing someone my card. It was a proclamation that I am making moves. And my movement today, actual physical movement, has a flow to it. Actions are energy. Shifts of habit. The action of stillness. The action of honesty. The action of nutritional choices. The action of following the heart. Years ago I journaled in frustration about my inability to exercise as I craved and it was then it occurred to me that I needed to “move”…. and now I am.

So as I close down for the day I urge you to ponder, what moves are you aware of needing to to be made? And what moves are you prepared to make?