I used to be hidden in the facade of an extrovert. Now I’m visible as the introvert I am. And I’m grateful for my introversion for it’s supportive nature to my healing journey. Auto Immunity is not a week of rest to feel your best disease.

I was reading the Tao and the 61st verse speaks and counsels to essentially laying low to make the forceful energy grow still. That is where peace is found. That’s what a healing journey requires too.

I’m not able to force outcomes to heal. I am not able to speed up the outcomes either. But what I can do is take the time to study for knowledge, practice my learning and observe for outcome; then tweak as needed over time and over time again and again and again. Listening to your body is the real “muscle” of laying low when you are healing.

Do I want to be back in the yoga studio? Yes! Would I love to sweat to the cyclical rhythm  of the elliptical, playlist bass beat in my ears? Yes!  But it’s not for now. One day (hopefully soon) my body will whisper to me “it’s time”. But until then, I rest. I eat quality food. I say no even when everyone feels I should say yes…My power to heal is in laying low.

Less is more. Cliche’. Truth. But not quite how I’d explain it when something small makes a big impact.

In years past I’ve had “intentions” to accomplish a certain something… and somehow what I’ve managed to accomplish are the items on the business end of life. Pay away debt. Reduce belongings to live with ease in a smaller space. Auto save. But the Read more/Write/Color/Meditate…develop my creative life, heal my body…it goes to the way side.

Last year I made a list of 18 things for 18 (thank you Gretchen Rubin for the suggestion). The list spilled out of me and at year end as I reviewed I recognized that most of what I wrote was subject to a certain level of healing. I am all about healing focus (thus this journal). But a body heals at it’s own pace and that made my list a wish list that I had little control over. No wonder little was accomplished. Not this year. It took me a month to create my list of 19 things to do in 2019. It was important it be purposeful, meaningful & actionable. And it is.

Some things are intended to be experienced monthly, some weekly, some a few times each week. But each item is designed to develop habits to establish a healthy creative life and a healthy body. And I recognized that the accomplishment of all I intend will develop a balance in my life that I have only dreamed of.  I decided to get a one word bracelet to remind me of this. My word— Balance. I put the bracelet on one week ago and there was an energy about it. I “feel” the intention of it like a presence beside me….or within me. It has given me a peace that was very unexpected. It has given me the tangible presence of my commitment that was unexpected. I’ve been happier since putting it on. I find myself smiling as I spin the washer with the stamped word. I’ve found myself holding true to my own 19 intentions for my self.  This seems small possibly…but it’s big. I have shown myself that I didn’t matter with my ease to break a commitment to myself without thought (but not without regret) for decades. This bracelet has become evidence that I am finally old enough to know better and am willing to prove it. I matter. And it’ll be by showing my self each day by way of my 19 intentions that I’ll journey through healing with greater ease and with permanency.

Such a little thing.. a waxed leather bracelet with a washer stamped with “Balance” that is giving way to the energy of a maximized life…with happiness of creative endeavors and health and all those bring…

Some things little, give way to very big things.

Prana is “life force energy”… “breath”. And when stressed we think and advise to “take a deep breath”. Easy to see how we arrived at such advice.

When we are stressed we are living in the energy of the sympathetic nervous system…which is designed to be “sympathetic” to our fight or flight response. Our breath is shallow and we live in accordance to our schedule honoring it above self. Scheduled vacation is when we “take a breath” and long about the time our body trusts that it can relax (shift into the parasympathetic state) we head back to the office. Ever try to eat on the run without digestive issues? Sympathetic nervous system disregards digestion…remember it’s deciding which is needed, to fight or flee. And our bodies are not designed to live in this state. But we do. Always something to do & somewhere to go. Always someone who needs us for getting something done or getting somewhere…and the role our screen time plays is underestimated. We tend to think it’s relaxing (although addictive) because it’s our choice. But jumping onto social platforms and apps is aligned with fight or flight response as all subject you to response and you never know what’s gonna pop up on screen….. fight or flight. I suspect most people don’t know what it’s like to experience the parasympathetic state of relaxation. I know I’d forgotten.

I observed that my life was structured by the clock. 12 hours on (prep for work and work itself) and 12 hours off. But the off hours were structured as well; dedicated first to groceries, laundry, cleaning…I was rarely really fully “off”. And my adrenals needed that restful off time. And even though I rescheduled myself to do most of the adulting during the work week to allow more weekend time to relax, I soon discovered that  although the push during the week suggested time enough to recover it wasn’t. I was too drained to recover by the time Monday came back around. I needed out of the fight or flight state. So I read up on saunas.

It sounds crazy thinking about a sauna when I live in an apartment with limited space. But my body had reached its limit. An infrared suana seemed a good direction and there are two types (far and near). They both support the activation of the parasympathetic nervous system (rest and digest); but I’d learned that I am more sensitive to EMF (electromagnetic field) than most, and the near infrared has none and penetrates deeper into the body to support healing than the far infrared does. It sounded great to have 30 minutes with no electromagnetic waves hitting my body since I am in front of a tower & two screens all day at work and two at home (phone and TV). It sounded great to sit in relaxing heat and use that time to meditate when I knew I wouldn’t drift off to sleep. And healing? Infrared light therapy reduces inflammation from injury and illness (such as auto immune disorders- of which I have two). It enhances the production of collagen (ahhhh youth). I was in. I bought a spa that is designed for set up in your shower so all I need is a place to stash the lighting when not in use (which I have). But when it arrived I was having continual issues with flares from RA and heat exacerbates them. Uh oh… issue wth sauna. So I reduced time and eventually had to stash it for a bit until I found success in a new prescription so my body would permit my sauna time. Now I am back in front of the lights and the first moment I sat in front of them my body melted in gratitude. I sleep better. My fingers are noticeably less swollen (and I know the prescription is also in play but I waited 3 weeks after taking the new script before using the sauna partly to observe the layered impact which is clear). My skin is changing for the positive….looks healthier (like the skin on a non exhausted body- some days it even has a little glow). This sauna is a wonderful addition for my health investment.

When I was younger I laid out in the sun. A lot. And when you lay out there is a moment when your body sighs into a deep relaxation. Mother had told me this is when your pores open and your tan really starts…..an old beachcombers tale I suppose…but what I know now from sitting in front of those sauna lights is that moment, when that tan “begins”, that’s what it feels like when your parasympathetic nervous system turns on. That full body relaxing breath that you must wait for & “receive” and can’t be made to happen. It’s no wonder beach vacations are among the most relaxing. Between the Vitamin D, the purifying salt water and the bodies full acceptance of rest…..not much can feed and warm the soul more. Pun intended.

But being nowhere near the beaches of my youth, my near infrared sauna is my portable gateway. It’s my deep breath, my Prana.

I shared with a friend this past week that adulthood comes too soon and stays too long…. but with adulthood I came to understand that with blessings come lessons and with lessons come blessings.

We often keep our focus on the obvious blessing or challenge without paying mind to what else comes with it. Health…when it’s challenged it’s so easy to live on the surface with the symptoms. It’s a challenge to dig into the mindful space where the secrets of the illness origination resides. And when you choose to travel there it forces you to own every prior choice; to remember what you once thought was unmemorable. And to link it to your present. How did holding on to a dream that was not destined to be come to effect me now? How does not going after the dream I still believe in effect me now? Did I drink too much back then? Workout too hard? Or not enough?

How was I able to ignore the whispers of guidance that would have altered my path for the positive? Or was this road of challenge the path I needed to take to embrace and value the positive that would arrive through it? That’s the duality that’s always linked to my choices now. Blessings through challenge.

I have learned to honor my body’s needs to rest, to move. I have learned to respect what my body accepts as food and what it doesn’t. But even with this knowing it’s a long journey to regain it’s trust and health. And at the end of the initial journey to a healing remission I’ll be required to continue seeing and connecting to the silver lining that surrounds a balanced and healthy life. Great rest, great energy, a focussed mind, a mobile body. And I already know that in order to do that I’ll be challenged to say no to many offers that would keep me busy and distracted. And I’ll be tested as once I was…. when I failed those tests and found myself on the path that arrived at illness…. Or then again, were those moments my “failing forward” into the life I would have never arrived at without everything of my past?

Philosophical duality…

Yin Yoga. Have you tried it?

For me, as my body is still dealing with continual inflammation I’ve been pushed to ban my self from my beloved hot yoga practice. The heat and dynamic motion required of the practice activated flares. Long walks or short elliptical workouts produced the same. So here I am- chair bound & discontented. I’ve always been active. A child of the 70’s I spent my days outside; pushed out to play and called in by whistle at dinner. My first career of retail had me on my feet for 8+ hours each day. Climbing ladders and hauling armfuls of clothing was my 5 day/week workout. And I still worked out independently.

Times have changed. I sit all day in front of two screens. For this I am mostly thankful due to the physical issues I’ve had in recent years. But it’s time for me to move my body. My soul needs it. My body will benefit.

This had me returning to my bookshelves in search of gentle movement. And I rediscovered the bittersweet practice of Yin Yoga.

The focus of Yin Yoga is to work the deep tissues- ligaments and the fascial networks (fascia being the thin fibrous tissue that contains a muscle or organ). It is a practice that draws in those who are looking for stress reduction. But there are side benefits and challenges. Metaphysically understood, emotions are easily trapped within our joints, & fascia and Yin Yoga begins to excise them. What does this mean? Your body holds your emotions…. essentially your history. And if toxic, these emotions can aid and abet illness. This being said, when you practice Yin yoga and have that emotion rise to exit, you feel what is trapped as it does. This can happen in a standard yoga posture as well. I’ve had it happen several times over that I was in a posture and felt an emotion rise unexpectedly. But with a Yin practice this can become more common and as you hold postures for upwards of 20 minutes (sometimes more) you have the time to really process what arises.

Ever wonder how young children can experience deep upset and let it pass when adults hold on to it as if it were an exclusive prize? Flexible fascia. They have it- we adults generally do not. And sure I have a fascia blaster tool and it can help..but nothing will excise emotions like Yin Yoga.

This emotion was the reason I put the book on the shelf some years past. The emotions were intimidating. But now I wonder if these emotions are what is holding the inflammation. And how many are thoughts of my own making, untrue as they might be but held as truth within. I’m all for affirmations but you have to feel the words for your body to learn to believe them. And I feel that my body has learned to believe the words I wish it hadn’t.  So back to Yin.

I’ve only attempted a couple postures and each time I prayed for time to be up. And to be frank I reversed out of the posture mere moments after entering. And I avoided further attempt. Not only is there physical discomfort (as it can be in any “workout”) but my gut- solar plexus really, had waves of something pulse through it. Almost emotion…. almost butterflies…. all most unsettling.

But I am committed. Emotional discomfort or not. Physical discomfort or not. It might be only one posture each week and maybe only a time or two but my body needs to release what is trapped so it can heal.

If you are stuck somehow in emotion, dis-ease….life, you might also do well to look into what Yin Yoga might help you  heal through.

I looked at a picture taken of me recently and didn’t recognize my self. Much like seeing a picture of someone seriously ill… how the light seems to have dimmed. The skin a different tone and texture. And I looked back on other pictures and saw the bloat of illness. A bloat others would just see as fat. But I know better. My body was not built like this. I do not eat in a manner that would even slightly support weight gain nor the maintaining of it.

I don’t see the face I feel I should see when I look in the mirror. I don’t feel the way I think I should feel in my body. I’m not living the day to day life I know would align with my soul. An important thing when on a healing journey.

I listened to an interview with man who lost three limbs in a freak accident of electrocution. He lost the limbs the electrical current ran through. He commented that he’d always been a pretty good athlete, good looking and smart but had always felt a bit melancholy. People didn’t understand this as on paper he had no supporting evidence for his emotional state. And that after his accident he felt his body aligned more with how he felt on the inside. Something about that connected with me. I instantly knew that my physical challenges with auto immunity and weight made me approachable in a way I never was when lean, pretty and confident.

I grew up torn between emotion and non- emotion. Between being openly smart and hiding it. Between being pretty, lean and athletic and playing it all down. And when I began to dabble in young adulthood to displaying my looks, athleticism and intelligence I quickly grew over confident and managed to manifest the wrong man to marry… My life and dreams teetered on wobbly spindle legs like a drunk stork for years. My emotional growth froze as my confidence was emotionally beaten into submission. And I know looking back my symptoms had begun in earnest.

There were periods in my teens when under stress my jaw would lock on one side and then after a couple days it’d switch to the other. There were times when in the six day retail holiday work weeks that required 10+ hours each day that one or both of my wrists would swell and I’d have to brace it. I called it “retail wrist” but I was experiencing mild flares.

In times of calm I had no symptoms. But get me in an office where there was discord or shift my schedule into a marathon of deadlines and I got emotional and physically tender and “puffy”. Another variation of a flare.

When it went off the rails was when I entered a Yoga teaching training program while working in a very intellectually and emotionally challenging office.  I worked in a hostile environment Monday through Friday and went to an hour or ninety minute yoga class four days each week. And on the weekends I attended training from 7 am until 6 pm. And then there was the study time. And then there was my two hour round trip commute. After all the years of nursing my failing auto immune status my body gave into its power. And it’s not yet recovered.

Which brings me back around to the interview that prompted the pondering…..How much emotional inner healing  is needed to physically heal?

More than you would think to think.

It is glaringly apparent that I am extraordinarily physically sensitive to my emotional state. Teaching and murmurings I’ve grown up with and kept at a distance are burrowing into me now. The positive thought & meditation. The visualization & rest. But if I’m living a solitary life in the midst of a heavily populated office and visible position, am I undermining all the inner work? And if so, how much inner growth, healing and balance is needed to tip the balance of the external? This is my philosophical quandary.

Yesterday I said that I believed there are predispositions to illness but that dis-ease is created. And in the middle of the night I felt I needed to clarify in case someone who doesn’t already know me reads any of my words. First I’d like to say that you’ll see me noting disease as dis-ease. For those who have a health situation that can be naturally managed  or put into remission (albeit in time) I see as a lack of ease within the body..thus dis-ease. That being said lets speak on illness.

Yes, there are serious illness issues and life threatening diseases that establish themselves without effort of partnership from it’s “host”. But even in those cases I also know to be true that our dietary choices can expedite the power of onset or keep it slow. It can ease the process of healing or hinder. Our choices can allow for a comfortable passing or an uncomfortable and speedy one. I have seen this first hand with a young man who passed from cancer before 40. A dear man who adored someone I held dear as well. His diet before and during treatment was full of processed foods and sugars from every direction. And I often wonder how the quality of his final time here would have been had he enjoyed a healthfully supportive diet.

But my writing this virtual diary is for the support of those like myself who have a diagnosis that is manageable to the point of remission. Allopathic  medicine (your traditional physicians) are no longer schooled in nutrition. They will quote the food pyramid…and lets not get me started first thing this morning on that. Medical schools have lost their connection with their point of origination…. food. Food by way of crop and herb. And they put all the focus on management. They preach multi vitamin and Omegas of course but anything else seems to have no clout. Maybe they think those standard suggestions open them up to being perceived as being more knowledgeable about vitamins and nutrition than they are. But give a go at having a serious conversation about nutrition and/or supplemental use….Go ahead – try. No testing they say… but there is testing. Thing is, the testing is so much smaller than the big pharma trials that they don’t get the attention they well deserve. And lets face it- there is easy money in pain and disease “management” and not so much in healing and maintenance.

Today we have the fortune to combine the paths of allopathic and holistic (functional and integrative medicine) to manage our symptoms while we heal the root cause. To use traditional medicine as a crutch until we heal is not common though. Unfortunately our culture has adopted a view that our traditional doctors are healing them with all the medicines scripted out… and I know it can certainly feel like that. When those medicines match up well to the issue your symptoms can often be eliminated and you feel healed…. I’ve been there. But one day, their power weakens and in time the power is gone. And you are reminded that the issue remains..it was there all along, hidden.

What if we choose to look at things differently?  What if we take the time to dig in and learn about the root causes of what ails us and begin to take action with our own health instead of taking the powerless position of following the scripted direction of a physician who no longer takes the time to learn the details that would enable individual care?

Claiming that power is where we learn what choices we made that allowed the predisposition to activate. This is where we learn what choices we make that exacerbate our dis-ease. Is it gluten? Dairy? Are you working too many hours in a job you adore? Or one you don’t? Do you have a high sugar diet? Do you realize the carbs you eat are sugar? Do you focus on low fat eating thinking that fat will make you fat? Do you work out too hard? Do you sleep? Or do you not? These are some of the very first things that are important to become aware of for a healing journey. But this step is where you begin to see how much power you have to contribute to your own personal health.  This is what I was speaking to when I stated that dis-ease is created.

Go ahead. Dig in and be open to be amazed by how much there is to discover. And to how much impact you are capable of.