Chronic illness has roots that are spiritually deep. I know this to be true for the profound lessons learned on my journey through it. The arranged marriage of sorts that has taken over a decade to find a rhythm of coexistence.

A brief history:

First there was a behavioral shift into dependence… on prescriptions and reactive resolutions.. all things external. Very codependent.

I was often forced into stillness. Pain does that. In stillness emerged the struggles of the Super Type A+…. the need to control, over-planning, over-committing, and I fought the stillness. But pain wins every time. So back to facing internal truths… was I able to find a connection between when the illness presented and what choices I was making in life at the time? Yes.

Thyroid issues showed up when I committed to a partner my whole body said no to. When you go against your internal wisdom, there are consequences. RA showed up when I fully disconnected from my self. I was over-worked in a hostile office where I was the target and in a yoga teaching training that “mean-girl-ed” me to outsider status.

It didn’t happen immediately but RA grounded me into my body. Meds were a bandaid but I began to educate myself about nutrition and learned to see the relation between food and body. Once I got that down, I began to notice how stress, unrest, upset negatively impacted my comfort. How flares lasted longer when I denied self. I saw how joy and peace and calm had a positive impact. Rest shortened the flares.

That led me to dive into all those topics… what do I reduce.. what do I enhance. When did this behavior begin? How am I to change the pattern? And that journey grounded me into my spirituality. Because you have to be open, and have faith that your answers will come. Faith in the mis-steps. Faith in your own evolution.

If you are walking the journey of auto immunity, know that it’s okay to find those initial bandaids but know that bandaids are meant to be removed. Look to connect with your body and give it rest. Change habits to support that body connection and allow yourself space to breathe. You will evolve into better health.. into inner calm.

I love words. They’ve been magic to me since I acquired an awareness of them. Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about words and manifestation… the intentionality of both… the lack of intentionality of both. It’s remarkable to me how with a deep belief, even one you bear no witness to, even one that’s restrictive, even when there is an oppositional intention how those words can be made manifest.

I’ve had no words lately. I’ve been numb. For a couple of weeks now my mind has emptied at the end of the day like bath water as you dry off. I’ve had no energy to dream, no energy for physical productivity, just. no. energy. I’ve not slept well. No inspired dreams (which are fairly normal for me). But it finally hit me to return to words…. affirmations specifically.

I no longer simply write affirmations over and over (although still rather cool to do as a form of mediation) or sing song them in my mind as in years prior. I use my limited but useful understanding of NLP to empower the affirmation… the affirmative intention, actually.

I use dry erase markers to write on my bathroom mirror so that when I read I see myself in the background. I look up as I read which helps the brain connect to the visual of what is being spoken, and then I look lower which helps the brain connect to the emotion of what is being said. It can be emotionally powerful. Unexpectedly powerful.

And when you couple the use of an affirmative intention with a mindfulness of avoiding common phrasing which can often be very from a very limited energetic & scarcity mindset you can experience remarkable and swift shifts. And I’m ready for one.

Are you?

Trust does not return just because you do. Dis-ease does not spring up from nowhere. Your labs do not reveal the inner distress one day and not the day before. Things evolve, mostly. Even trust.

It’d be so easy to think about how trust returns or doesn’t in relation to external relationships. We generally think of trust in relation to betrayal of some kind. But what about the internal one? The one with the most important relationship you’ll ever have….the one with your self.

Most of us would say that we’d never stay in a relationship/friendship with someone who wasn’t trustworthy. But think of all the ways you show yourself that you aren’t worthy of your own trust.

We indulge in treats and sweets and stressors and say we are ready for health & calm.

We complain about our job that accidentally became a career and we say we are ready for something else, but never look for the “something”.

We say we are ready to set our boundaries to give ourselves peace and time but we keep letting those who drain us book up our social schedules and we obligate ourselves to what doesn’t light us up.

Your body pays attention to this. The universe pays attention to this. If you consistently make choices and act on things in opposition of what you want…. do you really want those things?

Our body is a sponge of awareness and it’s important we are mindful of what we have spill out for it to soak up.

If we want a change to occur whether it be a ruthless spring cleaning of our closets, a shift of employment or residence, a removal of underserving or never-serving relationships, we MUST act in accordance to that desired change to align with that outcome.

You have to pull all the clothes out of the closet and deal with the mess of it all as you methodically return only the items you are excited to keep. You must make it known that you are open to new opportunities and do some searching to match up with the new job. You must cruise around new neighborhoods or research new cities if you want to move. Let those actions be seen by your inner witness… by the universe if whispers to. Energy creates energy. Motion creates motion. And when your internal witness recognizes the pattern it shares the update with the universe and that’s when you begin to see the coincidences that we enjoy that say “I’m on the right path”….

Alignment alignment alignment…. Equals trust trust trust.

So much talk about flow and alignment and it seems they are interchangeable, but are they? Nope.

You can fake alignment with good flow… but aligned flow is something far powerful than either are independently.

Flow is defined as a “steady continuous stream” of something. Like being on a roll knocking out tasks in the office. And alignment is defined as both “in correct or appropriate relative position” & “a position of agreement or alliance”. to me, this is aka “rule following”. And for those in the energetic space it’s “being connected to source”. Whatever name you give that… Mother Gaia, God, Universe… you are in agreement with your expectations and beliefs connected to that source.

I had a long career in retail that was at times great fun, at times great demand and I’ve had a long career in property management that’s also been at times great fun and at times a great demand. I have had moments of great success & failure in both. And in both I’ve been highly productive. From the outside both paths have appeared to be what I was meant to do. But in truth, although each have served purpose and I landed in each with ease; I had no intention behind either choice. There was no connection between the work and my moral compass or belief system. It was a task list path to a paycheck. But lately, as I’ve been laying the groundwork to the launch of my own business I’ve noticed some undeniable energetics.

For the first time, outside of the office, I was creating something that even stemming off of a framework built by someone else, I was making uniquely mine. And I had follow through. Website is up. The LLC is formed. The membership to the American Association of Drugless Practitioners is in effect. And as things progressed in my personal business development, timelines at the office sped up as well. A redecorating, de-cluttering and re-organizing started and even with the messiness of the progress a lightness began to drift over me. And I realized that my drive to create my own business it’s both to support others and to have the ability to spend my days “working” in an environment that was supportive of my parasympathetic nervous system and pleasing to my eye. And that redesigning/de-cluttering office task load was going to create an office environment that I would find appealing to my eye and with the de-cluttering a support of my parasympathetic nervous system (I’ve never been much at ease seeing clutter or having to work amidst it).

This observation to me, indicated I was in alignment. Not simply with source, but with the essence of who I am. My taking steps to create a life that aligned with my own essence notified the universe that I was ready for my work environment to be peaceful for me. So both of them now will be! And here is where flow really picks up. When you are in a space that you find comfort in, doing something you love (or doing something you simply do well) so much more can be accomplished and with greater ease. And within the energetics of that, more of the same is created.

And here you find the real powerhouse combination of alignment and flow. Independent states that are meant to be married.

The emotional impact on health is underrated unless you are in the social bubble I occupy. When I began this ‘lil blog I thought I was headed in the direction of Nutritional practitioner or Integrative Health Practitioner. I thought I’d end up sharing all sorts of nuggets of biohacking and health….and the content is fascinating… I’ll forever be a learner. But I was dragging my feet and was blinded by my desire for a new direction that I wasn’t seeing the reason behind my lollygagging. But I leaned in hard to a community of personal growth and realized that although I’d continue to support myself with nutrient dense food and electrolytes and I’d still use my red light and use my “do no disturb”, and get massages and take epsom baths and leave work at work… I saw it was time to really dig in deep to my energetic health.

I’m not speaking about sleep quality or even mental health, although energetic deficits DO lead to dis-ease on many fronts. I’m speaking about genuine energetic health. Where am I placing my energy? What am I taking on that isn’t mine? What am I holding onto that no longer serves me? And if it didn’t serve me, did it ever? And if it never did, what in me decided to latch onto it? Do I still have that co-dependent undermining energetic pattern in me? Did I have blocks that I wasn’t aware of that were holding me in a pattern of limitation? Are these maybe behind the weight still holding on? The reason a new career path was not revealing its passionate self to me? I had to take time to study me.

So what did I find? My real abundance was in scarcity….Scarcity of time, joy, validation….health that even though ever better is not lifted to a level that gave me what I yearned for… freedom of movement and ease of expression. I realized the scarcity of pleasure and interest… of connection and engagement. In that discovery I realized I needed to shift into abundance. How am I doing this? I’m doing more of what I love. I’m speaking up instead of sucking it up. And I’m leaning hard into quiet grounding. I am discovering how to embody my self. And embodiment leads to respect and trust and those lead to love…and lack cannot reside where love does.

Am I seeing health shifts? I know I’m more tuned in to imbalance… and that helps me self support. But I am feeling the internal shift of feeling true to myself. And in the end, my health slowed me down to a stop…. it taught me to rest and tune in. And my weight kept me hidden in every way… I drew in my personality, my uniqueness, my voice… I blended in… and dulled myself down. That’s unhealthy. So yes, speaking up when I should, walking out when I need, listening to only what inspires me and leads me to self…. I am seeing better health…. I am seeing shifts in the health that matters most. Energetic health.

And do I have a journey to journey still? Yep. But now I’m on it.

Mindset is a trendy word nowadays. It’s a shame. Because it’s much more important than any trend. When you reach the “pivot” it’s important to know where you are on the turn. Are you leaving what’s almost behind you or are you moving towards what’s ahead? Read that again… think on it. I have.

If you’ve lived enough to circle round the sun a good bit, you’ve wanted out of a relationship. You’ve wanted to quit a job. You’ve wanted to end a bad habit. But wanting is not enough. And it’s more than lazy that keeps you there….wanting. It’s more than that “terrible spot” being a “comfort zone” for you; or should I say “the devil you know”. You’re there because your daydreaming is about what you no longer want. That something that you are no longer aligned with. When you’re there, you are connected more to the unwanted that the wanted. And you are only approaching the start of the curve. If you’re even that close. And you may say there is not much difference..one prompts the other. That you want that something else because you have learned how much you don’t want what you have. Greener grass. Well that might be true…but this is where mindset enters.

There is no “secret” here. The proper shift of mindset will have you connecting to the desire for more, more. But not by the way of simply wanting more than what you have. Which is a mindset that keeps you connected to what you no longer desire. You focus on the reason you’ll enjoy the arrival at the goal. And you will begin connecting to how you’ll light up with the craving to move towards that something you do align with. That passion you lose hours engrossed in.

If you really want to pivot from that “something”…whether that’s a some-thing or a some-one or a some-place you must connect to and stay connected to what you are moving towards. And even more than that.. you must hold close the reasons you are. Are you hearing the call to become more philanthropic in your choice of career? Connect to that. Connect to the emotion of how much more your days will feel a sense of fulfillment when your days allow you to help others.

See the difference? You aren’t learning and studying up for the next career path so you can leave the one you’re in… You are learning and studying up so that you can shift/pivot into a career that aligns with your philanthropic heart. It may seem a small shift. But it’s huge.

And when you bring in the neuroscience that says that the mind knows no difference between an intense thought or emotion about an event and the event happening itself (think PTSD or tears of happiness at a warm memory) the importance of what you are mentally putting focus on become all that clearer.

And how is this related to Inner calm and healing? It’s easy, when you receive a chronic illness diagnosis to want more than anything to “not be sick”. It’s a predictable thought pattern to want to heal to not be ill. And it’s incredibly difficult to connect only to health. Really difficult when you are in pain, chronically “under the weather”/ no longer physically reflective of your former “healthy” self. When you feel you have no health at all. But there is always health to be found. Our bodies are incredible and capable of more than we credit them for. A healing mindset is essential to healing.

“What you think about is what you bring about”. This won’t be the only time I write about this. It’s just too important. Focus on the road ahead…and what the scenery will look like when you arrive. There’s a reason why the windshield is so large and the rearview is so small.

I know, it’s been 6 months since I’ve written here. For the record, I have journaled, and I’ve posted to Momentary Sabbatical on the verses of the Tao…

I’ve felt myself at a standstill on my health journey so my thoughts have been full of frustration and as I’m respectful to the power of words, I chose not to get them a platform. But things are moving for me and now that I’m a few months in I have things to say and thoughts to share. What got things moving? Instagram. You read right….social media put the “get going” into my healing.

Sometimes we are purposeful in who we reach out to, who we follow. Sometimes we see something that’s a share from someone else and it times just right. Who I found first I’ll not remember but I found @getmimifit and @theemilymorrow and my love affair with mushrooms set my tummy a flutter. Mimi is an AHCC educator. Long name shortened, it’s Shitake mycelium. And Mycelium is for all things “brain”… BUT it’s ability to rewire the systems of the body to help it support and heal itself are 31+ years chronicled in scientific research. I began taking 6 capsules/day 4.5 grams. A hot second later I was ordering King Coffee which has Reishi spores in it. I began taking Reishi mycelium, spore capsules and the fruiting body… 6 capsules per day..healing doses. This is where my connection to Emily Morrow is. she found King coffee 3 years ago and it jumpstarted her healing journey. She is an FNTP/NTP and learned how to deeply and genuinely read Labs to uncover root causes of dis-ease and she uses frequency testing to guide her as she walks alongside clients to peel away the layers to the underlying health. She is walking beside me and leading me to knowledge and understanding I’ve long craved.

Not only do I have two auto-immune diagnosis to put into remission, heavy metals and mitochondrial dysfunction and severe allergies to overcome, but I have Bartonella parasites too. I’ve learned so much through her sharing her wisdom of lab review. I’ve learned that the parasites have been a systemic of mine that nobody caught… even when one of the high markers WAS brought up, it was simply related to the evidence of allergies…. Guess what parasites like?? Mold, heavy metals, mycotoxins and iron…… What have my labs shown for far too long??? Low Ferritin…. iron… I’ve been told I’m bordering on anemic and that I was anemic. I finally know the reason why.

So I began supporting my health foundations; providing oxygen to drive the minerals and mitochondrial support into my cells. I began supporting my drainage pathways so that my body could rid itself of toxins. I gave myself nearly two months of that foundational support before I then leaned into deeper kidney and liver support and I started addressing the parasites. Have I seen evidence that my body is taking in all my efforts? Yes.

When I began King coffee my “colon activity” shifted…as my Mamaw would say, it had an effect on “my mornin’ biz-ness”. King is anti-parasitic and it began kicking the anthill a bit from the get-go. But as I added in more support I had two detox events which is super rare for me. One day I had a mild headache all day and in the night I woke up to what felt like a full on neurological event n the right side of my head and all the way down my jawline… a migraine of all migraines. It took about 4 hours for it to subside but it never came back. And one Saturday vertigo set in. Again, only the right side… it was as if in a moment I had a severe inner ear issue. I held onto walls to move room to room when I had to. Four hours later it was over. Parasites… But there are rays of sunshine as well. When I had my last set of allergy shots I didn’t whelp at the injection site & I was able to go three weeks between shots versus two. And although there are days here and there that I need additional allergy support, I’ve gone from taking extra support 3 times/day to 2 and then to 1 and then to only on an “as needed” basis. I am off my standard thyroid med (without any seen effect on labs). And I’ve delayed my Humira shot I take for RA management by a week & counting. And my being able to point out what I saw, correctly, on my labs to my Dr. shifted the dynamic. She knows she has to show up differently for me. She must prepare for me. And shouldn’t that always be the case? Yes.

Things often appear worse before they get better….the “dark before the storm”…the “dark night of the soul”… Healing is a journey. Look for the single rays of light that are there to show you that things are looking up, and remember….Finding healthy inner calm takes time.

The last time I wrote, long long ago, I spoke about balance. I’ve thought a lot about that since then. I attended the Oprah Vision 2020 tour and she made the remark that one needs to be careful with what word you choose…. your word will bring the lessons you were’t aware you needed. Choose peace and get confrontation. Choose health and find yourself ill. And I looked back on my year and had to agree. I chose the word balance last year and I fought for what little balance I found last year. And as I have the word hung on my office door, still today, I find it ironic that it’s the place that spawns every hurdle to it.

Allow me a bit of a ramble…..This year, with it beginning a new decade, I wanted to think find a focus that I could carry with me that would skirt the challenges. So.

Although some days find themselves the exception, I work planned hours and I lunch. When I’m out of the office, I make sure it’s out of me. I read. More than I have in years. I tune in to my inner-self…my gut..my intuition… my guides. And the words sit within me without my pushing them out.

I bought a new bed mattress. 100% non-toxic. No EMF. No off-gassing. I woke with the directive in my ear. I honored that. I’ve done so much of everything to find balance in heath without much reward. And I’ve disregarded the lack of quality sleep I allow my body. Who was I to dishonor the needs I know my body is calling out for all this time? No more. I feel it’ll make the difference in my adrenal function and thus my hormones…which in turn will open up my ability to move my body as I crave. And I believe a key to my happiness is connected to moving my body; in all it’s interpretations.

I bought a high quality air purifier so the air I breathe, can breathe life into me.

And I’m writing. Here. In my journal. In my mind during the day when a moment strikes me as worthy of a memory.

And I approach every day in my office as it’ll be my last, because one day it will. Tie a bow on every day and you can find no regret.

So I am deep in the waters of my new decade Where I am….creating and honoring motion to beget motion….

Choosing the choice of what offers the bigger life. And…. following… my… own…lead.

I listen to my share of podcasts and one one them in particular (@Happier with Gretchin Rubin) talks a lot about September being the “second January” With Labor Day being observed today there are many who are evaluating how they might do things differently in regard to work/career. Although I’m not putting specific attention only to labor adjustments what my focus is on would certainly be/will certainly be impactful to such.

I have a theme for my year…Balance. And I know it wouldn’t have been known off my past few weeks of over-working, under-sleeping and disregard of self-care. But I’ve thought about it quite a bit in the past few very stressful weeks. Balance, as I read in Sheri Salata’s book The Beautiful No is a set up for failure. Because with all we have going on how can we give equal time all the time to each? We can’t. So we walk through life always noting the failure of not having it. So what is the solution? It’s individual. For me, I think it’s a matter of presence. Am I really “there” when I’m there? At work, at home, running errands, enjoying chats and connections, meditating, enjoying a meal? My balance can only be found in being centered in the moment I’m in. To be 100% in that moment an then 100% in the next. And certainly I will not be successful as often as I am. But in the intention, I will do much better by my-self than I have been.

And to expand my present-ness I’ve decided to do something new here and there to shake up the energies of my life.  When we do something new, we cannot be on auto pilot…thus we are present. So I went to a holistic fair and bought some great stones to meditate with and wear. Anything natural has an energy….for those who haven’t thought about it, or haven’t given value to it, just think about how your body feels when it walks in the woods..or stands in the salty ocean. That emotional reaction is an energy shift. It’s both grounding and up-lifting. It can birth creativity, reprieve from worry and stress, and many an “A-ha” moment. So I will embrace all the nature I can to shift my body…move my body…re-move those things that are not supportive to my emotional/physical/spiritual/intellectual health.  And after hours of keeping the stones on my body I decided to “draw a card” and I pulled out an old Tarot deck  of mine that has all but gathered dust and held the cards to my heart with the intention to be told what I needed to know about my creative life (writing specifically) and as I said it out-loud I heard in my mind “health”…Was that my answer without a card drawn? I attempted to center and simply had to recognize the internal pull between my curiosity and I pulled a card….. Queen of Disks…Mastery of Diet and Nutrition… Ha!!!  But wait, it’s not as myopic as that. The Queen represents seeing with clarity what she needs nutritionally in areas of health, finance, work, relationships. She pioneers stable diets for herself in all areas in her life so they are “nutritious and fulfilling”.

Clearly the universe knows that it’s overall balance I need to keep focus on and it was happy to swiftly affirm. I picked the right word for my year. It will guide me through the elimination process, through the choices of what to bring into my life. through the adjustments that will reveal as needed. So what I received from the universe today was confirmation… I’ve got the healthy intent…I’m on the right journey…so carry on.

I was asked what it really meant to me….to “move my body”.  Seems I say it quite a bit as the answer to all my ills. That “if I could only…”

This past week was particularly difficult. It was my vacation week and I devoted nearly a full day to the office preparing for an audit I was sure would finally show the statistical proof of the dedication and heart put in. But 6 hours into my first day “really” on vacation, I learned of an error that would all but destroy the hope. I cried. I discovered I no longer do well with hugs to soothe. Hugs are an overwhelm. I discovered I verbally and emotionally abuse my self when I find way to prove failure even when no failure is directly mine. I realized that only when I’m fighting to push through something my heart isn’t in but my ego is, that I am relentless. Unforgiving. I’m sure I’m no unicorn in having such a nasty issue to resolve.

How does one put an end to such an ingrained pattern? Life is not a nose twitch away from change. Change is the result of patterns which are the result of individual choices. Choices made over and over again into a worn path of honored moments of self. I’m not sure I have the courage I need to make the change, or to continue in my devotion to this nasty disrespectful habit I have lifted the rug on. No choice is a choice, so I take responsibility for my part played with where I come to stand. But I’m quite sure I have exhausted my ability to fake a life I never purposefully intended. Courage or no courage I think my toes are touching the bottom of rock.

So here is where I circle back to moving my body.

I am on a healing journey…..and with two autoimmune diagnosis managing stress is a big player in that healing process. So although I eat well by eating clean and when I’m hungry. Although I take breaks from the office day more times than I don’t. Although I generally sleep well. Although  I have managed to heal forward well enough to erratically take long walks or spend time in the yoga studio, I experience fallback shortly after with shoulders so tense they don’t allow an arm to lift. And when I begin again it’s as though I had never once begun. Something more is at play. I cannot continue to push myself to believe that the silver linings I speak so fondly of….the silver that seems to hide the tarnish of my life…are true. They are simply shiny distractions…..the beautiful jewelry given to apologize for wrongdoings done. And I have managed to be the “gifter” and recipient of such shiny distractions.

So yes, although I believe that moving my body as it craves on the daily and eating well and resting well are all very important; those are only a fractional part of what true self care is. Moving my body means to re-move my body from places and activities that provide no joy.  It is the most important act of self care. Until I do, my setbacks will continue to be routine. And those setbacks will keep me from all I am working for.

So time to get moving.